I Brought You a Gift

I have 4 animals in my house. 2 cats and 2 dogs. And I’m not gonna lie, I was the pushover. I’m the one that let them in to my bedroom at night. And once you start something it’s tough to stop. So I often wake to 4 furry friends perched in various places in my room. And they are loud sometimes because, well, that’s what animals do.

This morning just before sunrise I could hear one of the cats. Jumping. Chasing. Pouncing. I called out to tell him/her to stop, but no luck. I sat up and saw Lacy staring under my dresser. My cats have a fun habit of bringing me various things from around my house and leaving them just outside my door. I’ve had buttons, toy crowns, soda bottle caps, and at Christmas any ornament they are drawn to wait for me when I wake up. I make sure I check before I step out of my room in the mornings because I’ve learned the hard way there is no telling what I’m going to step on if I don’t. 😖

So I sat up to try to figure out what Lacy had. It was still somewhat dark, so I could only see a shadow. I grabbed my cell phone and flipped on the flashlight. And the sinking feeling hit. There sat Lacy so incredibly proud of her morning gift. It was a small, black mouse. This is the second time she has brought me one in the last year. We have a finished basement that we repeatedly try to find and patch where they are coming in, but clearly it’s not working. Lacy was so proud. And she waited for her praise. And I had no praise. And she was not happy with me.

So I put on my big girl panties, took a deep breath, and found a plastic bag to scoop the mouse up in. As I walked closer it suddenly dawned on me that maybe the mouse was not dead yet, but just laying there in hopes Lacy would leave it alone and it could escape. In my infinite wisdom I think I should poke at it before I reach for it, because I darn well know if I reach for that mouse and it starts to move I’m dropping that sucker and screaming like noybody’s business. As I’m contemplating what to poke it with, I look up and see 4 sets of eyes watching me intently. 2 cats. 2 dogs. Lacy just looks annoyed that I was taking her gift away, but the rest of them are just staring at me trying to figure out why I woke them all up. I literally stop, look at them, and out loud say, “It wasn’t me, blame her.” Like they have a freaking clue what I’m saying...🙄

So now I’m back to checking to see if the mouse is indeed dead. I step closer, shake the bag over the mouse, and it is dead. At least there’s that. I pull all of my adulting skills from my toolbox and reach down for the mouse, still being watched intently by 4 animals. I’m able to scoop it up and flip it in the bag. I’m pretty impressed with myself at this point. I walk down the hall and to the stairs followed by both dogs. Lacy has wondered off to sulk and Rascal (cat 2) crawled back on his King of Sheba velvet pillow he “stole” from me to go back to sleep (I’ll explain that someday). The dogs supervise me going out to the garage and I toss it in the trash. Now, of course, the dogs are ready to start the day. So the day starts before 7 am on a Saturday morning. Lovely.

It’s days like this it really sucks being the only adult in the house. I’m not gonna lie, I would have passed off that job in a heartbeat if there was someone else to give it to. On the other hand, figuring out how to lean on myself more is just what I need. After my husband died I desperately wanted to just have a “Jesus Take the Wheel” moment and turn it all over to someone else. But now I don’t. Now I’m the one that deals with it. And it’s not that I don’t have an awesome support group, because if you know me at all you know that my village is the most amazing group of people anywhere. This summer, for the first time in 3 years, I feel more like me than ever before. More in control. And I crave control now. Like I’m obsessed with it sometimes. But the fact that I’ll face a dead mouse in the dark of the night and go on with my day may seem like nothing to some, but for me it’s kind of cathartic. Kind of like me saying, “It’s all you now. Get your crap in gear and take care of it. You got this.” And maybe that’s what the cat really brought me this morning. A reminder that I “got this” and I’m okay. And that, actually, is quite a gift.

Hello. It’s me.

When I was in the 8th grade my Language Arts teacher made us sit in alphabetic order by last name. The boy who sat behind me was the most obnoxious person I had ever met. I mean like he bugged the crap out of me. He never shut up. Always had an opinion to share. It was absolutely mind boggling how much I dreaded going to that class every day.

One thing I can say is he was persistent. He never stopped trying to get my attention. Wrote me notes. Tracked down my phone number. It was something. As time went on we forged an understanding. And he grew on me. I admit, at first, like a fungus. But things changed. We slowly became friends.

After years of asking I finally agreed to go out with him the summer before our senior year. I wasn’t looking for anything much, he was much like a bulldozer. Like in everything he did he came at it full force. I got to know him. Really know who was under all that noise. And that’s when things changed.

I’ll fill in more over time, but jumping ahead we were married after college. Had 2 kids. Dogs. Cats. The usual. Until it wasn’t.

The day after Christmas I got the call. The call no one wants to get. He had been in a car accident. There is nothing like seeing it. I still see the images. Things I’ll talk about later, but for now just know it’s things you don’t ever want in your head.

After a nearly a month in the hospital he lost his battle to survive. Again, as I go forward I’ll explain more. It was at this point my life changed in ways I never saw coming. It was the most difficult experience of my life, and I am beyond blessed to have had the support of people who picked me up and carried me when I couldn’t get through it myself.

After 3+ years I’m here. I’m someone else, and then again, I’m more me than ever. This is where I’m putting my thoughts. How I got through. How I continue to move forward. My mistakes, and there were (and are) plenty. And hopefully some things I do right too.

Thanks for indulging me. If you want to comment, feel free. If you want to judge, please don’t. You don’t have to agree with my decisions. And all my decisions weren’t always perfect. Sometimes we just do the best we can in the moment. You have no idea what you’ll do until you live it. Some of this will be raw. Some will be cheesy. And some might give you a little insight. For me it’s a place to sort through my “crazy” and look forward. Baby steps...

With kindness and peace,

E